Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus review (Switch)

It’s fitting that a Wolfenstein game comes to the Frankenstein console. They’re a good match; a first-person shooter with heavy story elements atop its frenetic action, at home on a console that functions as well on the train as it does in the lounge. It’s a perfect match.

You can already tell I liked it, can’t you?

So, you probably know the general idea. BJ Blazkowitz, our all-American protagonist, has yet again sustained massive injuries while escaping from Castle Wolfenstein because he literally can’t leave that building without getting crippled. Luckily, this time we have a wonderful Jewish power armour suit to make up for it, and yes I know it sounds ridiculous but just go with it, it’s pretty cool. All the favourites are there; Frau Engel, with a messed up face and a hunger for revenge, those big Panzerhund fellas, and more Nazis than you can punch… or maybe just enough. C’mon, that’s fun.

Everything that could be said about The New Colossus has pretty much been said in the months since its release; it’s great, it’s gory, it’s grandiose, and you should get it. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; the only reason to port a game to Switch, especially from a current gen console, is if it will benefit from the unique aspects of the console. By this, I mean its portability. And Wolfenstein The New Colossus works better on the damn thing than I ever could have dreamed.

DOOM on Switch never felt great in handheld mode, but The New Colossus absolutely nails it. Panic Button, who I also believe ported DOOM, have done themselves proud with this one. Smoother, easier to see, and an altogether more forgiving physical experience on my apparently beefy hands meant I thoroughly enjoyed blasting through some enemies on my morning commute. And let me tell you, nothing beats having a dude with a briefcase pretending to read important business reports, while actually looking over your shoulder as you pump lead into a Nazi war machine. All while riding to work on an NZ Bus machine.

That’s right; I see you there, Gregory. Get your own damn game.

For all that I love it, there are indeed flaws. If super photorealistic graphics are your thing, I would question why you own as Switch in the first place, but also you’re not gonna get that here. The price of portability is prettiness, but it’s a trade off that I, at least, am perfectly happy to make.

The New Colossus is a fantastic fascist fighting phenomenon, and if you’d told me five years ago that I’d be raving this much about Machine Games I would not have believed you.The Wolfenstein series has clawed its way from lackluster obscurity to widespread acclaim, and it’s deserving of every iota. Wolfenstein: The New Colossus works on the Switch where it should, by all rights, fail. It’s at times a heartwrenching tale of melancholy and death, at others a chaotic scramble of Blazkowitz beating bloody some Nazi noggins. I loved it.

I would apologise for the awful abundance of alliteration in the above, but I’ll abstain for autonomous amusement. I had fun writing this. I had more fun playing it. I also never get to speak German anymore, so I’ll end with this: kaufen es, meine Freunden. Sie werden nicht enttauscht sein.